(on my father's side.) I think I'm ready to write about her.
...Showed me what a mother's love is supposed to be
...Taught me what unconditional love is
...Unintentionally pointed out to me how bad of a mother mine was and my stepmother too
...Noticed what was going on with us as kids
...Has always been there for me, like my mother and father should have been
...Loves me, as my parents are supposed to
...Does not judge me
...Is very naive about the oddest things
...Is devoted to my Grandpa
...Showed me how a marriage is supposed to be
...Doesn't care how stupid my words sometimes sound and still listens
...Does not give advice unless asked for it
...Is the M&M grandma to her greatgrandkids
...Lives too far away
...Is proud of me, like my parents have never been
...Loves me unconditionally, as my parents never have
...Is the gentlest person I've ever known
...Is honest
...Does not lie
...Is proud of and supports all of my sisters, as my parents never have
...Makes me sometimes wish I never knew her, because she showed me what my mother was supposed to be like
...Showed me how to be not so neurotic about my kids getting sick
...Has never forgotten my birthday
...Has never made me feel unwanted
My grandmother is many things to me. I miss her. I don't call her. I should, it's just so tempting to tell her about my father's (her son) shit. I can and have told her anything. She has never judged any of her grandkids for having sex and getting pregnant before a wedding. She knew just what to say when I had my miscarriage at 17 years old. She didn't try to tell me it was God's will. She didn't even try to say it'll be ok. It wasn't. It never has been. It's amazing how people will try to brush things under the rug. With some things you just can't do that. I have nightmares about her dying. She doesn't take good care of herself, she mostly just concerns herself about grandpa. He has many health problems, she seems to forget to take care of herself too. She is the only person in my life that ever felt near a mother to me. I only ever saw her about once a year, but it was enough. For that short time every year I could pretend my father cared. He never really did. He shows it well enough now. When he was around her, he acted like a father.
I just want to know why? Why have kids if you don't want them. There's adoption, other options. Birth control. I don't think I'm ever going to get past this. Ah, well. Maybe burying my head in another book will stop the tears. Can't cry over my mother anymore, but apparently he can make me cry still. Why? |