I was going to do the book report today. Alas, today is not the day for it. I have some questions to ask. I'm not really expecting answers, I think they may be for myself. Questions I need to answer. However, if you wish, you can answer too.
  Why is it that almost every blog that I have come across and 'kept' touches me? Everyone in my favorites has some kind of life expirience that mirrors my own. Some more than others. (We are assuming that all these people don't lie about their life expiriences.) Tina, for instance is like me in many ways. Quite a few of our beliefs and expiriences mirrors each others, yet we are not all that much alike. Weird. The RA is one I like very much. Her posts mostly hint at some things I have gone through. With much humor added. I sense a kinship almost. Se7en seems to be like many of the boys and men I have been and still am friends with. Sweet, honest, 'knight in shining armor' attitude. Love of learning and computers. I sense that in him. There's Inky. Really I sense a kinship in most of the bloggers. She's going through troubles of her own, and I find myself wanting to 'adopt' her, like I have all the friends I have in my life. Along with that is my sense of, let's call it mothering. I find myself wanting to track down the dickless asshole who's harassing her IRL and on her blog. I have family in the general area and I could ask them to take care of things. No, not like killing or things like that. I have relatives in law enforcement. There's the Trashman. For all his faults, I see him as someone I wish to 'protect' from the harsh things he's going through. He is very humorous and it's how he deals with life. I see him as one of the friends I had in high school. He reminds me of a few of them actually. I wish Jack would write again. Jay I use shamelessly. I go there to laugh. And laugh I do. Sometimes the comments are funnier than the posts. I go to Lois Lane's, but I have yet to comment. She is funny. I see her as the mom I wish I had had. That's why I don't comment, I'm a little resentful that I don't have a funny, loving mother. But hey, here is where I am the most honest. So you'll just have to deal with how I 'see' ya'll. Then there's my newest blog, Brighton's. Really she reminds me a lot of my sister, the oldest one. Fierce in protectiveness of what's hers. Willingness to do what it takes for her's. I wish her the strenght to stand up to her mother and sister and either force them to shape up or reject them from her life. No one deserves that kind of treatment. And like with my older sister, I feel the urge to reject the parent for her. That's how it happened with my father. It was the last straw. I put up with it when he did it to me, but when he did it to her, that was it. No more. Even with her older than me, I am still the mothering one. In this short time, Brighton has touched me the most.
  I still ask. Why couldn't I get parents that loved us? Why did we get a mother that has no use for us beyond what money we can give her or use of our vehicles? I will never forget her effect on my sisters. I will never forgive her for that. Why did we get a father that didn't give a fuck about us? Beyond what use he got of putting us down all the time. You're stupid. You're not worth my time. Why are you still here? Fuck him. If I have my way, I will protect all of my sisters from him. I am trying. I think I have eased some of oldest sister's pain. I hope. I don't understand. If you didn't want us, why didn't you let us go somewhere where we were wanted? It is beyond my understanding. He made my sister feel unwanted. I have rejected him. It hurt him, I saw it. I don't fucking care. He can see what it feels like. They way he treated her, all of us. I will not allow it. He has no right to make my sister feel unwanted, unwelcome at home. I will not forget. I will not allow him to do this to my children. He will never be alone with them. He will see them on my terms. They will not know that pain. They do not deserve it. I am amazed that all my sisters and I turned out the way we did. We had each other, that was it. My sisters are loving mothers and spouses. Well, littlest sister doesn't have a baby yet. How the fuck did we turn out to be loving people. We have been rejected and made to feel unworthy our entire lives. How did we find spouses who loved us and whom we love? With all that rejection, it's a wonder they weren't pushed away. Despite all that, I do feel we are lucky. We have all found love. It just sometimes sucks to 'hear' some of these persons have atleast one parent who loved them. I get jealous, a lot. And wish, once again, that I had had atleast one parent who loved us. Oh well, I still have grandma and grandpa. Atleast we had love for a short week during the summer once a year. I hated the pretending, but atleast they did love us. My father pretended for her. How did that happen anyway? His entire family are loving, yet he is not. He wants to use us as his personal emotional punching bags. We didn't ask to be born. What right does he have to make us feel as if we never should have been?
  That's all I can do for now. Kids are still up and much more and I will cry again. Thanx to all who have touched my life, even though we will likely never meet. |