What to say and how to say it? Grandma wrote me. She explains in her letter how she understands, but thinks I should forgive and forget. I guess I didn't make it clear enough. There have been only a few times in my entire life that I wasn't put down, etc. When my children were born, and when my father's family were within earshot. How can I make her understand that he has never stopped his behaviour? Even at Christmas I got the 'You're a bad mother' routine. What the fuck is that shit? I refuse to put my son in daycare, and that makes me a bad mom. Just because he's not around other children. My son is ready to now, but he wasn't before. I refuse to go get a job just to pay for daycare. My children will be in school doing work soon enough. Now is the time for them to play. They don't need daycare or preschool. They need to be babies. They need to run and laugh and play. My son knows a lot of things that preschool/daycare kids don't. Granted they know things he doesn't. I don't deny it. My children are healthy and happy, that's all that matters at this age. I called the Kindergarten where he will be attending. They told me he doesn't need daycare. They just ask that he knows how to hold a pencil and use scissors. My house may not be spotless, but it's not a health hazard.
The visit before Christmas I got the 'You're a bad wife' routine. How he would know whether or not it was true is beyond me. Just because I refuse to bow down and worship my husband's feet. I am not a slave. I refuse to be one. I won't be controlled or dictated to. My husband knew that when he married me, and doesn't wish me to be that way. I do take care of him. I know his needs before he does. Sometimes I have to push gently in one way or the other, but it helps him.
I won't put myself back into that. Throws me into a depression nearly everytime. It's not good for me. It's not good for my husband and kids. They don't need that, I don't need it.
I told my father what was required before I would come anywhere near them again. Something I have never demanded before. An apology from that woman...to my sister, and a guarantee that it would never happen again. I know what I did has far reaching effects. They were quite calculated. First and foremost either my sister would get an apology and a guarantee, or it would lessen her feelings of guilt. Why she's feeling guilty for removing herself from the situation, I'm not sure. I've done my best to lessen it anyway. It has forced both of them to actually be nice to little sister. She is the only one left that allows them near her. Grandma wrote that I probably don't realize that she has pain buried fairly deep. That's not true. I do know. I know the extent of it. I know it's buried. She will let me help her when she's ready. Not until then. This is the very best I could do for her. As far as I can tell, it's working. If it wasn't she would have called me in tears by now. My oldest sister does that too. She doesn't need me as much, but when she needs it, she tells me what she needs me to know. I help her with her pain. The effects for littlest sister, I'm not so sure of. I was hopeful that it would help her be a little braver and stand up for herself. To stop answering his phone calls and visits. She never had what the rest of us did. Close friends during our school years who accepted us for who we were. They had her so screwed up, she was unable to make friends. I am sorry for that. I couldn't help her. I didn't know how. I still don't know how. I am very sorry for that. It hurts. I had so many problems and ran interference for everyone else, I didn't notice as much as I should have. It's no excuse, it's just the way it was. It took me too long to realize what was going on. It took me until this incident with my oldest sister. I am ashamed. I should have known. My lie detector was going off in spades. I'm sorry. So very, very sorry.
I can't write anymore. I need a distraction, the kids are up and don't need to see me like this. |