So, I have a lot of time on my hands when the kiddies are supposed to nap, but don't. I have been back and forth between a few blogs today. (I really need a new book.) Last night there was a post on Restless Angel's blog about giving her friend words of support. Her friend's dad died of cancer. I want to say I'm sorry for your loss, it sucks, it'll get better. There's nothing really you can say to make things better. I really want to say, I'm so glad you had a father who loved you. Feel special that he wanted you and didn't make you feel worthless. Tina know's what I'm talking about, I've posted a few times about my father's assholeness. This last time it was the last straw. I will not allow him to treat my sister in that way. I refuse. I've only really said something about my mother in the About me post. It's in the January Archives, for the curious. I didn't really expand on it as well as I did with my father. This is because I have no contact with her.
When my parents were together, my mother did almost nothing to take care of us. I have memories of around age 5. My dad threw a cast iron skillet at her head, he missed and no, I don't know why he did, I was 5. My dad also threw our tv out the front door. Yes, he really did and yes it broke. Never again was there ever a tv in our house. He says she was lazy and didn't do anything. I was too young to really remember much from that time. A good friend of the family, who doesn't lie, was telling me she used to cringe at the thought of visiting us. My mother didn't change our diapers until right before dad came home. (Remember, people can't lie to me without me knowing it.) Thus, diaper rash from hell.
Next, one day we were met at the end of school by mom. We were taken to a motel. We asked where dad was and when he was coming. She lied to some people to get us into a free hotel room about him beating us. Trust me, even that young it's something you can remember. I was around 9, older sister is 2yrs older than me, little was 4, littlest was not yet 1. I think I'm fairly accurate for the ages. I was in 5th grade and my b-day is at the end of the school year in April. Hell, maybe it was 3rd or 4th. It was the start of my 6th grade year that I clearly remember being at dad's. Little sister started kindergarten that year, her birth year is 1981. Littlest would be turning 1yr when we lived with dad full time. A lot of stuff went on during that time. Before the divorce was final we were living with dad in the summer before the start of the next school year. When we were with mom, this was before dad got custody, She had no job. She really is lazy. We were in HUD housing. We had no food. Oldest remembers this period of time the most clearly. She remembers feeding the rest of us flour and water pancakes most of our meals. I remember I got so sick that I couldn't walk or stand up, I never saw a doctor. I have since then figured out it was a bad ear infection and lost my balance for 3 days. Dad showed up every weekend to take us to visit him. My mother had us so damn scared we didn't want to go. This is before he started his crap with us. We used to stand at the window crying telling him we didn't want to go. He did insist that we tell him not her. He turned around and left, showed up the next weekend. I am aware, that every time the custody had to be refiled, he'd race to the courthouse and try to beat her to it. This is how we ended up with him. After that, she came to visit us one time and called us one time. The only time she called was to tell us that 'God' told her she must give up custody. 'Bullshit' detector goes off like crazy. The one time she came to visit, was to visit older sister, cuz she was having a hard time. She was a teenager, we all know what that's like. After that we had no phone calls, no cards. Littlest sister was around 1yr so it wasn't so bad for her. Little sister was old enough. She cried for a FUCKING year not understanding why her mommy didn't want her. Cried herself to sleep every night. My dad went around calling mom a cunt. That word is not allowed around me. I'm cringing even as I wrote it. That is the last time you will ever see it here. I did finally tell him to stop, and he did.
On with the story, a little background with dad is needed. That's the purpose of this paragraph. The stepmom is the only mother I knew. She was a bad mom, and a bad stepmom. My father has no excuse for what he did. He worked his ass off to feed all 9 of us, and was hardly ever home. He didn't notice things even when he was there. This has since been pointed out, forgiven stuff done. Repeated it with new wife this christmas and will no longer be tolerated. My father, my whole life, told us we were stupid, dumb, worthless, not good enough. He is the reason I learned to lie through my teeth while looking someone in the eye. That is also the reason it's hard to lie to me without my knowledge. There was some beating going on during this time. Nothing that scarred for life. Not near as bad as a lot of kids who are beaten. I make no claim there. Enough about that, you'll have to scour the archives if you want a better picture, I don't want to talk about it right now.
During my life my sisters and I have tried to keep contact with my mom. One year for mothers day my littlest sister made something. She wanted dad to deliver it to real mom so he did. During that time, she actually had a job. So, come to find out she's pregnant. Yeah, I said pregnant! Enough to be very noticeable. He's honest and tells us. What's so shocking about this, is I had a friend, who died when we were in HS, that knew about it. She promised my mother she wouldn't tell us. Her daughters were not supposed to know we were going to have a little brother. On with the freak show. In jr. high school mouse and I occasionally attended a football game. This was more an excuse to be in town than at the game. Mouse is stepsister, not real, doesn't matter I miss her. We found out through other people where my mother was. We visited. My mother told me her boyfriend and father of the child, Kevin, did not want her kids around. Yeah, she said that. After a couple of visits, Kevin was there once. I asked him about it. He looked at me like I was nuts. He said there's no way he'd do that. In case anyone wants to know, Kevin is dead and his 2 kids by my mother have no father, we're getting to that. Fast forward, I've had enough of dad's shit and move out around 16-17yr old. Don't make enough money to rent while I'm still in HS so I end up living with mom. She is a terrible house keeper. Dishes would pile up with mold on them. She would get food and eat it all, not sharing with anyone. Yes, I mean her kids too. Reference for you, I refer to my half brother and sister as her kids. As she has no idea of our birthdays and doesn't care to acknowledge us unless we come around. So we are what ever and those are her kids. Quick point, my mother frequently gets pissed off at oldest sister if she is late with chris' b-day. Now, chris was born on oldest sister's 16th birthday. For the life of her, my mother cannot remember that she had her fifth child on the same day that she had her first child. One cannot really understand this, I certainly don't. At the time I was living with her I did graduate from HS. All my graduation money she stole. She took it to walmart and bought toys and games the kids didn't need. This was around $800. I wouldn't have cared if she would have bought the kids clothes or food. Most of my money from work went to car insurance, car payment and groceries. I wanted the kids to have food. Never mind how I got out of the mess, but I did move out. Before she'd get anything that resembled something her kids needed she bought her weed for the month. So, not enough money for weed, no food/clothes for the kids. She was on welfare. She lived in HUD housing. She went to food drives, there was one every sunday. I forgot to mention, when in my senior year, Kevin died. His kids did not go to the funeral. My mother did not tell them he was dead. I had to tell this 3 and 5 year old their daddy died and wasn't coming back. See, Kevin was on the road a lot, so it's entirely possible the kids wouldn't know for a very long time.
Fast forward a bit. I got married. The next summer, husband and I arranged to have the kids for the day. He had a seadoo, we live at the lake, wanted the kids to have fun. Went to pick them up. I have a key, but front door was open. Push the door open. Place smells, looks abandoned. There was dog shit dried in piles on the floor as far as the eye could see. No one in sight. Go across the way to Jenna's. Jenna tells me stuff. Jenna, who is working and on welfare has no money, is feeding my mother's kids. She is making my little sister stay in that dog shit filled house, for doing stuff. Sometimes it was something she wasn't supposed to do, most of the time it was something her brother did. You get the idea, the house is trashed and a health hazard, the kids have no food, they aren't allowed to bathe unless she feels like running a bath, they aren't allowed into the downstairs bathroom so the little 7 year old isn't even allowed to brush her hair. Anyway, we did pick up the kids. They had lice and filthy clothes. My 7yr little sister peed her pants in my car because she was afraid to tell me she had to go. We stopped at walmart. These kids have enough trouble, you know how kids on a bus can be cruel to kids that can't help their situation. So I stayed in the car with them. We got new clothes, new underwear and socks, lice shampoo and the spray stuff for upholstery. I showed each child how to run the bath water. At this age, kids can run their own bath. Poor jessi, she really did want to be clean and have combed hair, she just wasn't allowed too. Chris had an infected cut on his toe. I have no idea why he hadn't seen a doctor, they have free medical care, she just has to walk a little ways to get them seen. I am very angry, I still am at this time. I still want the beat the holy fucking shit out of her. I want to kill her, actually, the kids would be better off. Yeah, I said that shit about my own mother. I mean it too. Sad isn't it. DFS has been out there since. She never lets them in, they never bother to try. I was pondering taking them away, but without DFS to back up the story and I had no pictures we were pretty much screwed. Even my laid back, never gets pissed off, husband was shaking with rage over this. She's lucky I gave her fucking kids back. The only reason I did is I didn't want to go to prison. My mother knew about the birth of my kids. She has never seen them. I will not expose that woman to my kids. She doesn't believe any of that stuff happened. She makes up her own realities. To this day I want to do serious harm. I know myself, I'd lose my temper. I have lost my temper only twice. When it happens, I have no control over myself. In fact, I don't even recall what happened each time. I have been told though. Since I have no control once my temper snaps, I figure it's wiser not to have any contact with her. And I'm ok with that. She never acted like my mother. She has on occasion tried to tell me I owe her because she gave birth to me. She has lied to me ever since I can remember. The truth is beyond her. She doesn't tell truths. She only tells lies. I won't allow that kind of influence on my children. She will never see them, until they are old enough to be able to understand about lying. And maybe be able to withstand the many disappointments that come along with her lies.
It's sad, my husband's parents are dead. He has a stepmom, and she's very nice. My kids' only grandma. Yes, I will still let my kids see my father. With supervision. I want to make sure they are safe. No I don't trust him. So they aren't completely without grandparents, but I fear the day that he tells them they are stupid and worthless. I know he will. He still does it with every one of his daughters. All of us. I can only hope my husband can prevent it. Now I really want to cry. I'm not sure I will. They are there, but they aren't falling. Maybe I can't cry over it any more. Sad. |