This will be the second post of the day. These thoughts won't leave my head. I need to write them down and maybe it'll help. Make sure to read the post below too. It'll help you understand.
Besides the reasons I have already given for the rejection of my father, there is another I have yet to voice. I need to give it a voice. Maybe then the voice will leave. I am afraid. Every encounter leaves me that much closer to being broken. There have been many, many times I have been too close to that edge. Each encounter only encourages me to go off the bridge into the lake. You see we had, until they remade it, a bridge with low sides. This is my rock bottom place. This is my fear. That I will one day find the courage to let go. Every time I leave I have been drug so low I feel that if I go, my husband can find a better wife, a better mother for my children. I am not good enough. I hate this feeling, but I can't shake it. I come away with shame. Not because I have given serious consideration to the idea, but that I am too cowardly to follow through. That my family deserves better. Someone stronger than I can be. I feel so alone. I can't shake it. It follows me everywhere. Into my nightmares. I have many. Too many. I am so afraid. I am shaken to the very core of my being. You can't imagine what it takes to pull myself from that hole. It's so hard to do.
You see, I'm afraid that the next encounter will leave me so shaken I'll find my courage and end it all. That is the power my father holds over me. I have no one to understand that. My husband thinks I'm silly to let him do that to me. I can't help it. It's not my fault. I feel fragile, cold and alone. I've spent so long being the one they bring their problems too, I can't find my way to release mine. I need it gone. Just this latest antic of my father has brought all of this back. I know I need to be strong. I don't know how to be. I have lost myself again. I'm so afraid. I lock myself up into my house. I won't even go check my mail. I am too afraid that my father will end up angry enough to show up at my door.
I feel guilt and shame. I did the best I could and still it wasn't enough. I don't have the strength left in me to help my sisters. I feel so lost. I don't know what to do. Not even my books can help me with that anymore. I'm afraid this will never end. I really do wish he would die. It'd be such a relief. I wouldn't have to be scared anymore. I know he can break me. I know, deep down inside, it would take just one more time. I can't go on like that. It needs to end. I wouldn't need to fear anymore. It would be such a relief. I wouldn't have to protect anyone from him anymore. It would be over. I know it's bad to think like that. Yes, I do feel guilty about it. It doesn't matter. That's the way it is. Knowing something doesn't change your emotions. I need to be strong again. I need this fear to go away. I don't know how to fix it. I don't think I can anymore. I've done my best. It's out of my hands.
I think I'm broken. |